Foundation of Hope

I have decided to reveal parts of a true story in order to help you think about the reality of what goes on within the lives of others, and with the hope that it will cause you to think about your own life as it relates to this couples' story.  My friends names have been changed for their privacy. And the photo is not of the family depicted in this writing.

Jill and Mike were just in their 20's when they fell in love and decided to get married. Jill had found her dream life. They moved into a beautiful home and she decided to get a part time job in order to decorate her new house with whatever her heart desired. Mike had a great job, so all other needs and bills were covered by his income. The couple got pregnant within the first few months of marriage and "baby boy" was on his way. Jill assumed the role of wife and mother like a pro. Shortly after their little son was born, Jill discovered her husband, Mike, had been unfaithful. The pain was increased by the unfolding knowledge that the affair was while she was carrying their son. And, to make matters worse the other woman was her friend.

It took stages of anger, grief, bitterness and resentfulness before Jill could even go to counseling and reach out for some help.  After an extended period of time they both decided to give their love another chance. Once the couple worked through the hurt and extended grace and forgiveness, baby two was on her way. Jill, still a very young mom and wife, wanted nothing more than to please her husband. She began changing her outward appearance with makeup, a new hair style, a breast augmentation, and a completely new style of dress...all to become more appealing to her husband...or at least that was her intent.

The events that unfolded in the next 10 years were a constant roller coaster of highs and lows in their relationship. Jill and Mike had yet a third baby, separated, and finally divorced. They both filled their time with one new sexual partner after another, and Jill even had to begin working full time while paying for childcare and living in an apartment on the not so nice part of town. She experienced many financial hardships and broken relationships. Mike seemed to have a pretty good life...single man, nice home, comfortable money and pretty women. Until one day, Jill received a call that Mike had taken his own life. Friends and family, baffled by his choice, began to uncover the life of a man who was enslaved by empty dreams. He tried to portray the "American Dream" on the outside: good job, financial freedom, beautiful family, and a nice home. But, he was chasing after "something" more on the inside and turned to a secret life in the fast lane at night. He came up empty and with no hope. It wasn't Jill who didn't meet his needs, and it wasn't Mike who made Jill feel the need to change.  They both began searching for a hope that would fulfill the secret longings in their heart.  It is possible if they had shared these longings with one another and surrendered their will to the love of Christ....things could have unfolded differently. I do know Mike attended Church faithfully, so I can only pray that at some point in his life he asked Jesus to save his soul. Jill only attends Church on occasion and  lives with her current boyfriend. I don't know the condition of her heart today or the level of her peace, but these are some things I have learned as I observed and talked with her some years ago.

1. People do not set out with the intent to destroy their life.
2. When we do not guard our hearts and minds we become desensitized to the consequences of sin.
3. Put your trust in God because man will disappoint you!
4. It is not someones' job to make us happy. Joy comes from a thankful heart and peaceful soul.
5. Vanity creeps up on us, produces selfishness and can lead to affairs.
6. Guard your own heart because out of it flows everything you do. (Proverbs 4:23)
7. Be kind to others, forgiving others, loving them and directing their thoughts to things of God.
8. People who put on a great outward appearance may be dying on the inside.
9. Forgiveness , Grace and Mercy do follow us all the days of our life...but you cannot escape the consequences of habitual sin forever.
10. Our hope is built on nothing less then Jesus blood and righteousness.  All other attempts are fatally futile.

"The Solid Rock" ~ by 4 Him

Love this version of one of my favorite childhood hymns still embedded in my heart today!

If you want it you must ask for it.

If you want freedom you must ask for it. This could mean freedom from an addiction of drugs, alcohol or sex...maybe freedom from past hurts, failures or unhealthy relationships. If you want love you must ask for it. It doesn't matter who you are...everyone needs more love...to know the love of God, to feel the love of your spouse, to enjoy the love of your children.  Our hearts always have room for more love. If you want peace you must ask for it. How many times is your spirit in turmoil over a decision that you must make...a decision that no one else can make but you...and you don't have peace?  Perhaps your home or work place lacks peaceful conversation.  Possibly you should just start by asking that your joy be fulfilled! Whatever it may be, fill in the blank... and speak it out loud. I want_________!

We spend much of our time wishing others will fulfill our needs, or even expecting God to meet them, but we have never really taken the time to ask for (out loud) what we want. Asking involves the risk of being told "no", or feeling foolish for our request.  Why is that such a bad thing?  If we are told no by God...wouldn't that be for our best interest and therefore we should be thankful?  If  we ask for a raise and we are told "no"  does it leave us further behind?  Or, does it show us that maybe there is something more we could be doing, and the job we have is not paying us what we are worth? When you tell your spouse you "need" more of them in a certain area...you have nothing to fear...if it is their desire for a better relationship...asking will move you forward.  It will open the floodgates for what has been left unsaid.  Don't be afraid.  And, don't become complacent...meaning you have asked before and have not received...therefore, you give up.  Persistence is a form of confidence, and sometimes we must continue to ask until the desires of our heart line up with the plans God has for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

The Gospels, as well as the Old Testament, are flooded with verses that remind us to ask if we want to receive.  Take a moment and do an online search of scriptures with the word "ask" in it...Some verses refer to asking for salvation and the forgiveness of our sins, some refer to asking for the desires of our heart, others teach us to ask for healing and help on the behalf of others, but the idea the Lord is trying to get across to us is this: if we ask not; we have not!  Asking leads to blessing! He may not grant us our entire list...but He does promise to give us what is good for us!

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”    (Luke 11:9-12)

If you are married and think anything like me...there are times you expect your spouse to know what makes you upset, and beyond that...what to do to fix it. We expect them to know when we want physical touch, words of praise, when we need to be left alone, or when they should be spending time with us. When you think honestly about that...it is absurd!  I can't possibly know when to do that for my husband...so, why do I think he should know when to do it for me?  Maybe the answer is, at times, I measure him according to the wrong standard.  I begin the game of comparison and blame. Can you relate?  Hmmm...Your spouse married you for what you add to their life. Without you they were missing something. Together you could do more good than apart. Go back to adding to their life in order to be fulfilled in your own. To me that is simple, yet what we resist the most. Selfishness is often the root of many of our struggles. Don't wait for someone to know what you need or for that matter what you want.  Ask for it! 

Love gives out of the abundance of the heart.  When selfishness sets in, we stop giving and start expecting to receive.  Now don't get me wrong.  It is important in a relationship to reciprocate love in all 5 forms: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and the giving of gifts.  But, when we intentionally hold these back in order to "make" our point or guilt the other person into doing what we want them to do...we are only increasing our chances of depression. And, we will come up empty handed. Relationships at any level, beyond that of an acquaintance, take intentional effort.  We must speak clearly about how we feel concerning all things such as: finances, acts of service, ethics, morals, parenting, and even time spent together.  Any area of life that affects your relationship is worthy of conversation.  When you  admit your feelings of hurt, fear, want, jealousy, need, lack of joy or passion...you are not accusing the other person of not fulfilling this void...instead you are recognizing it and sharing it with the person who loves you most.  Once you do this it is important to ask for what you want.  Those who are closest to you may have had an idea you were unhappy, frustrated or depressed, but they had no idea how to help or "fix it."  You understand yourself better than anyone, and you know what you need. You can ask for it.  I believe when you communicate with others and with God in your prayers...in an out loud fashion...you will come to a realization of whether what you want is based out of an insecurity, desire, selfishness or need.  No matter the root...you allow others to understand how you are wired, and together you can meet each other at the point of your need.

I encourage you today to be brave and ask your spouse what you want from them.  Be confident and raise the bar with your children...ask of them what you want.  Go boldly to the throne of Grace and ask God for the desire of your heart. Asking will lead to blessing and when you ask allow yourself to be changed by the outcome!