From there to here.....

Here I sit on a leather chair, age 40, three beautiful girls, one annoying, but seriously cute, dog and so many thoughts I think my head might explode. There I sat, age 29, two sweet baby girls with only one thought in my head.  I was nervously awaiting a blood test to be sure I didn't have a STD...how did I get from there to here?....I fell in love with a handsome, smart, energetic, full of charisma man and got married.  I did get my white picket fence...I  will show you pictures later. Our first home on a corner lot in a new sub-division...white picket fence all around the back yard and a cute little island in the front.  Yep, I thought I had it all. I gave up many things to get there....but I never knew I was giving them up at the time.  I will let you in on some of the things I traded in later posts....Weeks into my new marriage, still full of bliss, I wake up to my new love viewing pornography on our bedroom television.  You must understand that I was so protected from pornography up until that point in my life that I had no idea what was in store....horrified by what I saw, I pretended to be asleep, and thus I began my quick descent to the you are "not good enough" for me identity. Did the pit of your stomach just drop? Have you felt that way before?  Your husband compares you to other women, your father called you chubby monkey when you were little, your sister was the homecoming queen, and you were not...but you were really good at math.  The kids in school never picked you for their red rover team.  Your coach yelled, "What's the matter with you, can't you do anything right?"  "Not good enough" comes dressed in many clothes with varying styles.  Once the act is committed or the words are spoken the wound is created, and in some cases lingers a lifetime.  Let me say, I am truly sorry for that wound my friend, and I hope after reading this post you will let go of that "not good enough" label and wear a new garment...one of praise for the beauty you have been created.  No longer will you allow "then" to affect "now".

My test came back negative, but I was told I couldn't be entirely assured for 7 years.  Wow, how's that for security?  You see my husband had multiple partners whom had many partners.  Those strip clubs tend to attract that sort of activity.  Really, sin has a pretty package.  I never thought so then, but I do now...women are beautiful, and men can be sexy. Satan sure can make his Lion Den appear better than anything we can imagine. After 15 years of searching for answers and finding heartache at every corner...some of my own corners...and some corners around the block...I found that I had the answer all along.  It lies within the beautiful pages of God's Holy Word, the Bible.  You see, every evil you have seen on television, read in a book, experienced in your own life is already described in Scripture. Check it out: murderers, adulterers, deceivers, thieves, the list goes on....It's nothing new. In fact God even forewarns us. What's so awesome is that He gives us blueprints to avoid the pain, but because He knows we may not choose His will...He even tells us what to do when the pain is unbearable.  He encourages us, warns us, loves us, parties with us and comforts us.

I had two more testings down the road, lots of drama, some very bad decisions on my part, and one more beautiful little girl.  She will no doubt provide many pages of inspiration for this blog...her name is Katie.  Before you worry or think I lived a terrible life, I had some memorable, most amazing stories to warm your heart too. There is good in everyone and a silver lining can be found almost anywhere.  I am healthy...ok, well, that's relative...I need to eat better and exercise more! I have talents that provide income, fabulous family and friends...and the very best part...some pretty dynamic children!

I walked through the door of alcohol recovery with my husband of which he had 18 months of victory praise God, but continues to struggle today.  We will always be connected by our amazing daughters and our life experiences together. I can only continue to pray for his journey as I pack the bags for mine. The purpose of this post is not to share every sin of my youth or adult life or those of my ex-husband...the purpose is to shed some real light from real people ,so I decided to start with me.  I'm not perfect...but don't tell my mother...lol.  No matter what you have done, or where you have fallen short back "there"....you are "here" now...and you get a "do-over".  You are good enough because you were made in the likeness of  Christ!

Well, there you have it...some background from my life. I should let you know...I have fully forgiven where I have been and forgiven the man I blamed for many years.  The real challenge is forgiving myself daily for falling short of God's desire for my life!  I am so excited about the here (I have trouble lying...truth is...a little nervous) that the "there" hardly seems real to me anymore! I am so looking forward to the journey! And, so glad you came along!